Without A Rule Book

I went to a nutritionist yesterday.  I’m miserable.  I keep on gaining, gaining, gaining.

And you know what she said?

I eat too little!

Yep.  I’m “restricting” and my metabolism has slowed down to a near stop.  That’s her theory, anyhow.

So, instead of the “grazing” that I’ve been doing I have to eat a full breakfast, one snack, full lunch, one snack, dinner & snack if I want.

I was all freaked out… Eat MORE?!?  But you know what… I just don’t know what to do anymore, and did I mention that I’m miserable?  Yes.  Miserable.  This is permeating every aspect of my life.  My weight.

The nutritionist said that I’ve been on a diet my whole life.  (True.)  And that I have to get out of that mind set & just learn how to eat healthily.  I thought I did (know how to eat healthily… I mean I’m all about fruits, vegetables, whole grains, low fat…)  But I don’t eat enough of it.

J looks at me in a strange way I think:  “He’s thinking how fat I am.”  I miss a phone call “I couldn’t get to the phone in time, too much weight on this body.”  Shoes don’t fit?  Feet exploded from massive weight gain.  Raining?  Trying to wash away my massive self.

I’m kidding.. but you know what?  Not really.  I’ve never had this experience before.  I’ve never been this overweight before.  I’m a good 30 lbs over what I’d like to be.  And I’m 5’2.  THIRTY POUNDS.

She gave me suggestions of activities to do.. since another aspect of this all is I’m so stressed to get everything I need to have done in the mornings and in the evenings (and yes, that includes vegging time in front of the computer!) that I lose track of doing “active” things.

She was like… “Whatever you do, however little.. just do it.  Play outside with your kids for even 15 minutes.”  So I”m going to try that.

And she also suggested cooking stuff all on one day.  Which I’ve heard before… but now makes more sense.  So I’m not eating store bought frozen crap — but my own, home made, frozen crap!!

So I’ve been in a bad place.  That plus I hatehatehatehatehatehate my job.  No holding back with that.  Hate it.  Wait.  Let me clarify.  I love what I do.  I hate where I’m doing it right now.  My supervisor has…. issues.  And she’s not very good at what she does.  Plus I’m in a small room with no windows, very little client contact…

Ever in a place where you hate the two biggest parts of your life:  work & what you look like?  Yeah.  It’s a struggle.

I realize I feel pretty teary pretty often & I’m short with the kids…and I realize also how important it *is* to have another parent.  Because you know, when one parent is teary, short, whatever.. there can be somebody else there to fix it.  Here it’s only me.  Been singing a lot of “Put on a Happy Face.”

I tell nyself that these are not unchangeable things….  I’ve been looking for jobs, I’m going to a nutritionist… It just takes so bloody long.  I want the magic pill.

And J?  Well, his mom is sick… so he’s in a bad place, too.  So we both need more support… and that’s a challenge.

Jeez.  The next blog post I do has to be happy.

Look!  A butterfly!  Outside!

Ahhhh….!  🙂