But you know – I got this move thing all wrong.  Or, I should say,  I got MY move thing all wrong.

I was so worried about finding a good school – my kids are in an AMAZING school.  They have drama.  Art.  Music.  Go for walks in the neighborhood.  Look for birds.  And yes, actually think school is fun.  (Another post on how they’re also preparing the 4th graders for Middle School (6th grade.  But for now, it’s a great school!)

I worried about the logistics of moving.  Of packing.  And yes, it could have gone smoother.  We had a L O N G time to do this move.. and yet most of it was done right at the last minute.  I know, I know, I know – that’s human nature, that’s how “things are always done.”  I’ve heard all the responses to my complaint.  But still.  We got the apartment in mid June? Did we really  have to do most of the move end of August?  Sigh.  But we got through that.

I worried about my kids adjusting.  THey come home, they play in the yard – my child who last year was struggling now picks up books.  THey  have friends.  THey are relaxed.  They smile.  (Even while they say they hate school, they smile…)

BUT – what nobody reminded me about.. what nobody told me about (WHY?!?  Why didn’t any of you guys tell me?!?)  *I* also was moving.  I ALSO was going to be transitioning.  I didn’t think about that at all.  J and I have been going out for three years.  We have stayed at each others places.  We get along swimmingly.  I want to marry the guy, for crying out loud — what could be difficult?

Oh.

You know how they tell you that the first year of marriage is difficult.

Yeah.  Like that.

It’s a transition.  We both see it.  We both feel it.  We both talk about it.  But still, it kinda sucks.

I was so so excited to move in with J!  A “family.”  Two adults.  We would be living the perfect family life!  For once!  (Don’t forget, X moved out when YS was 2… so most of my parent years had been done solo.).  This is will now be known as:    All My Problems Will Be Solved Once I Live With Another Grownup. (AMPWBSOILWAG.)

I pictured family dinners around a big table.  Family bike rides.  All of us sitting on the couch, watching educational videos…  whilst sparrows and butterflies buzzed around happily.

Another sigh.

J works three nights a week – outside his regular job.  He loves it.  I *try to* love it.  I love the concept (if that helps!)  But I hate how he’s not here.  What about our perfect family nights?!?!  THe nights he’s here we play catch up for the nights he’s not.

He says he’s here 4 nights – and he is — but I need him during the week – when I have the kids.. Homework.  Fighting.  Dinners.  Showers.  And then there are the after school meetings – the ones I thought I’d be able to go to because there are now two parents!  Or we would both go, sit next to each other, listen raptly to the teacher, go home, discuss… co-parent…  Wouldn’t you know that J just happens to work each night there’s a school event!  It’s not intentional, it just happens….

But you know, it’s not even so much about that — it’s really about how I imagined this would be.  It’s not living up to my expectations — but probably my expectations were not realistic.  (How many are?)  I mean, here I am, a social worker – knowing FULL WELL that there are all different kinds of families.  Heck – I WAS one of those different kind of families.

Which is probably why I wanted a TV one.

So I’m going through quite a bit of disappointment.  Re-adjustment.  Re-focusing.

We’re getting through it.

But then of course there are all those other living together things that I had forgotten about.  The “I took out the trash the last three times….. don’t you think it’s your turn?”  You know.. or leaving the trash ’til it overflows waiting until the other notices & throws it out…

Sigh.  (Again.)

I didn’t prepare myself for those sorts of non-issues issues.

And please – the pets.  Don’t get me started on the pets.  I am now the proud owner of a step-cat and step dog.  Both of whom are perfectly sweet, kind, cute and wonderful.  I loved them — when I visited them.  Now that I live with them it’s a whole other challenge.

Imagine, if you will.. working a full day… coming home to two kids who are clambering for your attention and a dog who barks.  Loudly.  For your attention.

There are reasons people with young kids do not get pets.  I now know them well.

And the cat, well, after he finally stopped peeing on all our stuff.. now runs around each night.  Yelling.  Jumping.  Pouncing.  No problem for most of you normal sleepers… but I have the luxury of being a very light sleeper.

Get the picture.

Ahh sleep… one day I shall know a full night of you.  (Heh.  Does that make any sense at all?!?)

The gerbil?  Well, the gerbil is mine.  He & the cat are doing fine, but his cage is in our room until we find a place for him.  THe gerbil wheel?  “thunka, thunka, thunka”  all night.

I’m full of complaints here, huh?  It really has been more difficult than I thought.  But – J is a kind, gentle, wonderful man – and we are both really good communicators. We both realize this is a “tough patch” but we also both know that it will pass.

The thing is.

I’m not good at separations.

And it’s not so much people.. people I know I can keep in touch with if I want to.  It’s more the nebulous stuff… the things that make a place special, that make an neighborhood your own.  Like the woman at my dry cleaners… who I have been going to since we moved in – since OS was an infant.  She remembers when I was pregnant with YS.  She has seen them grow up.

And it makes me sad to leave her.  (Even though – my goodness!  I don’t even know her name!)

It makes me sad to leave all those people… who have known my children. Who give my children their history “I remember when you were a little boy…”  In a new place they’ll lose that.

And as we’re talking about history.. I’ve been coming up upon quite a bit of mine – going through nine years of stuff.  I’ve found bags (small bags!) of souvenirs from trips.  And when I say souvenirs I mean even receipts.  Trip to Brazil.  Trip to NZ.  Trip to Chicago.  There are notes.  There are maps.  There are brochures.

I haven’t looked at this stuff in years.  I have to say, I even forgot they were here…  although somewhere in the back of my mind I think I knew they were.

I went through them the other day.  I said to myself:  ”You haven’t looked at or thought about this stuff in years.  Dump it.”  So I did.

I woke up at 6 am with a literal jump.  Breathing heavily.  ”Have to get those things out of the compacter room!  Have to get them back from recycling.  I need to go through them one more time!  I can’t get rid of them!”

Truly.

I never thought of myself as a “hoarder”  More a collector.  A sentimentalist.  I like to keep stuff.  Remember what happened.  And people say, can’t you just use photos?  And I suppose I could… but these items are so much more specific.  The note from the Brazilian co-worker whose (flea infested – but that’s another story) apt I stayed in while in Rio.  The directions to the apartment of the friend of a friend.. who later sent me my first “anonymous” plant for Valentines day.  (And I still have it!  The one plant that I have not killed.  [Hope I didn't just jinx it!]) and who I dated long distance until he went to Spain to run with the bulls and I never heard from him again.  True.  (I mean, if he wanted to stop dating he really didn’t have to do anything THAT drastic!)

But I digress.

This is really about how I never really knew that all this would stir up such dramatic emotions.  Such visceral emotions.

So, I’m being a bit kinder on myself.  I’m keeping a bit more.  We’re getting a storage space — so one more piece of paper here or there won’t make that much difference.

And I”m doing it slower.  I’m doing the first run of throw out.. then going back & through stuff again.  I can’t do it that fast.  I can’t do it that drastically.  It’s not like pulling off the band aid for me.  It’s

a process.

No blue drinks here, folks.

Yes.  My kids are reaping the benefits of moving into a very well heeled school district.  And, of course I can’t just sit back and enjoy this.  And of course, my sister gave a voice to it:  ”Why don’t they take that money and donate it to a poor school?  One that has no library at all?”

The public school system suckssuckssucks.  I will never understand why people just don’t pay school taxes proportional to their.. houses say – pay it federally – then have it divided equally amongst all the schools in the U.S.?  So that way each school at least starts off with an equal pot?

Yes, I know it begs the question of how much parents could/should donate to the school… and then of course the richer areas will still have better programs.  People have debated and studied this much more in depth than I ever ever had.

And here are my kids – benefiting from it.

And it wouldn’t be a full blog post without mentioning my other dichotomy.  I don’t think I’ve ever fully come to terms with whether I’m a “city” person or a “suburban” person.

Before kids I lived in the city.  I wanted to stay in the city.  But then I got married… I got all those things that people get when then get married: china, crystal, glass thingamajiggies… and I put them all away.  Waiting for that… HOUSE.

Because all of a sudden I saw myself in a house.  Living room.  Dining Room.  Kitchen.  Den.  Attic.  Yard.  China cabinet.  Linens.  Fire place.

The whole shebang.

And I’ve lived in this apartment… and it’s been fine.  But… somewhere in my head it was the way station…..  I had the china still in it’s boxes… waiting for my move to my house.  With my dining room.  Where I would set a big table.. with the glass thingamajiggies….  My kids would be playing in the yard, while I would be cooking (ok.. I know.. the cooking part is a bit far-fetched.. but go with me here…)

I think you know what I mean.

Now I’m moving from the way station.  Not to a house.  And not only am I not moving to a house… but I”m moving into a space where I have less storage.  That china?  Crystal?  Glass thingamajiggies (I think I’ve spelled that word differently each time…) either being donated or given to my parents.  No space.  Plus… J… doesn’t really want them.  I mean, he’s being nice & all… but… he doesn’t want my wedding presents.. and he doesn’t see why I want them when I’ve never used them.

I don’t know that he fully understands the waiting.  I’m actually just starting to understand/realize it myself.

And the thing is, I have real urban sensibilities.  I don’t really think I would LIKE living in the suburbs.  I can only stand visiting for small chunks of time.  But the house.  The house.  I have such house envy.  And a big, big yard.

J has said that we will have a retirement home.  He says “Put some of the stuff in storage – we can use it then.”  (Ok, so maybe he does understand.)

But this whole process – I’ll tell you – bringing forth a whole new set (and sub set!) of feelings, issues, thoughts, doubts, anxieties…

I’d really just like it to be over already.

But then, you know. I’d find something else to obsess about!

Sometimes it works.

We had to write the names of the people “responsible” for the kids.  I put my name down… then… well – I didn’t know.  Do I put X?  Do I put J?  The kids will be living with J & he does more & better parenting than X.  But X — he’s their dad.  Do I cut him out all together?

I’m still not entirely sure how to do this.  How to work this.  Part of me thinks that X cuts himself out… he misses out on the kids learning to ride bikes because he can’t even go out to buy a $25 dollar bike.  He doesn’t see them as often as he could.  He doesn’t call them as often as he could.

So why should I worry?

Sigh.  I just do.  J says I look for things to worry about… and perhaps.  But I also think I just won’t ever stop thinking/hoping/believing that X is or will be a certain way.  I just can’t get my mind around the fact that he’s not.

My own issue.

But we decided – put J’s name down.  If/when the kids get accepted to this school I will give them X’s info, too.  Just because I feel it’s the right thing to do.  Honestly?  I don’t think he’ll care.

But.. ok… here’s the good part!!  J put himself down as the boys “step dad.”  STEP DAD!  !!!!!!!!!!!!  Heh.  Cool.

And then… well… you know… got to thinking…. got a little teary… it’s going to be so different.  We’ve been three for five years.  I’ve been a single mom for five years.  It’s really going to be such a change to have somebody else there on a regular basis.

If I want to go ride my bike – I can.  ”J, watch the kids – I’m going to ride my bike!”  !!!!!  Crazy, huh?

Crazy, crazy, crazy.  But kinda good.  And I”m not worried.

(And I’m trying to figure out how to insert photos… ) And I don’t really think that’s the right way.  But if it comes out…

And yes.  I’m all about the yard.

But, we signed the lease yesterday & went to see the place again.  They are totally renovating it (which is why they wanted to raise the posted rent.)  But I’ll tell you – totally new kitchen, new bathrooms, new sliding glass doors to go  out to YARD – with screens, floors sanded & polished…  It’s like moving into a brand new place.

Pretty cool.  J is totally stoked about the kitchen.  (He has his kitchen whilst I shall relax in the YARD.)

And the funny thing is – I told somebody “These guys have been stringing us along for this apartment for .. like.. a month!”  and I looked at my calendar.. and … yeah.  Only two weeks.

Only two weeks!  I was so sure I was waiting so much longer than that!  I apparently have absolutely NO patience or staying power.  Two weeks.

We ended up paying what they wanted.. but you know – even what they asked is a VERY fair price.. because we’ve been looking at a lot of places & there’s not alot of nice stuff out there.  Either the high end apartments that have no soul and look like cookie cutter.. or the old ones which are all carved up to make a lot of bedrooms & no living space.

The lease starts June 15th (another concession on our part) and J will move in July 1st.  We’re moving end of August.  It’s actually better, though – because maybe this way I can get the kids enrolled in school there before the school year ends.

(And oh, forgot to add the melt down I had on the corner of 72nd and Broadway before we went to sign.  I got out of the subway.. it was so busy… so many cars.. and I freaked out.  As I was standing there waiting for J.  ”Am I making the right choice for my kids?  What am I bringing them into.”

Yep, like those pre-wedding jitters?  I had them.  It’s a huge step.. and not the moving in with J part – because that seems totally normal… but our lives will really be different.  My kids will be “City” kids.  Growing up in the west 70s’, Fairway around the corner, Zabars…

Sigh.  I’ll be ok.  Right?

THey added $400 to the rental price that was posted on Craigslist (yes, that’s illegal) and now we’re in negotiations.  Which wouldn’t be so bad – except it’s difficult to negotiate with people who have very low ethics and aren’t very smart.

J actually called the managment company directly (He wanted to wash his hands of the whole thing, but I wantwantwantwantwant this apartment.  It’s more than an apartment – that yard makes it a “home” and…. well…. yeah.) and has been talking with the head.

Apparently the management company put so much money into renovating the apartment that they are now thinking the rent is too low.  Have to regroup their losses.

We’ll see.  But I tell you – if we do  not get it — I will be unleashing wrath on them that will make Noah’s Flood look like puddles!  (Heh, I like that.).  I’m going after their real estate licences, I’m reporting them to craigslist, I’m telling all the real estate blogs & J said he wants to report them to the attorney general.

But until then, we’re playing nice.  I don’t want to cut off our  noses to spite our faces (never did that in plural before!)

So.  We’ll see.  But it’s killing me – the waiting.  (Hardest part, you know….)  And it’s also making it difficult to look at other apartments….  It’s like starting to date again before you’re really over the one you broke up with.  You keep comparing them….

BUT – went to an nutritionist… and wouldn’t you know — I’ve been eating TOO LITTLE.  My metabolism has stopped.  You’re supposed to eat about 400-600 calories per meal – I had been down to about 200.  And apparently years of that — messed me up.

So, I’ve been eating bigger (but healthy) meals – adding a salad.  A fruit.  And wouldn’t you know that I’ve lost 5 lbs in about four weeks.

Crazy.  Eating more.  Losing weight.  She told me I had been “restricting.”  Used eating disorder terminology that kind of freaked me out.. but you know – seeing how difficult it is to eat more — when you’re so worried about gaining & intuition tells you that less calories in is better…. well. Maybe I did have a disorder.

So, I’m going to her every two weeks or so.. to keep on track.  It’s soooo slow.  Like I want to fit into my bathing suit yesterday…  But I guess at least it’s healthy.  And it’s good to get into this mind set about eating.

(Did you know you can have 60 grams of healthy fat a day! )

J tells me all the things he wants in an apartment:  On the First floor, yard, duplex, great kitchen, etc, etc, etc… He says the duplex/first floor idea is because of the boys.  And his dog.  And he doesn’t want to worry about the noise.  And I’m panicking.  I’m worrying.  How will we find something with all of these restrictions.?   We need to just look for two and three bedroom apartments.  We need to see everything that’s out there.  That’s how I’ve always done it.  See everything and anything… even if it’s not really what we want.  Because in Manhattan… who really gets what they want?

He tells me:  ”Have faith. “

Yesterday we saw an apartment.  A duplex.  With a yard.  A big yard.  Right by Riverside Park.  In one of the best school districts.  By an express subway stop.  The room that would be the boys?  In the basement.  Huge.  Living room?  Huge.  And did I mention a yard?  With a tree?  Where we can play, BBQ, plant…  And the Rent?  Great.

We filled out an application.

I was in shock.  I AM in shock.

How could this happen?  What’s wrong with it?  How could we find this?  Are there bugs?  Leaks?  Is it haunted?

Soooo…. now we’re waiting to hear back from all the checks they do:   credit, background, ancestors…   if we get it or not.

And oh – did I mention that they’re doing renovations?  So it won’t be ready until July 15th?  Right when we want the lease to start!  We don’t have to worry about putting them off for a month or so…  BUT – it means I can get a lease sooner!!  Sign the kids up for school.  Show the kids the school before school’s out…  And did I mention it’s one of the top public schools in Manhattan?

I haven’t told anybody yet… because what if we don’t get it?  So just pretend you haven’t heard this.  I don’t want to jinx it!!  But I simply could not hold this in any more!

But OMIGOD!!  A yard!!!

(If we don’t get this I’ll be crushed.  Yes.  I will be.  I’ll sound all mature  & stuff… but I’ll be a small, crushed little…. pile of disappointment.)

And you know what she said?

I eat too little!

Yep.  I’m “restricting” and my metabolism has slowed down to a near stop.  That’s her theory, anyhow.

So, instead of the “grazing” that I’ve been doing I have to eat a full breakfast, one snack, full lunch, one snack, dinner & snack if I want.

I was all freaked out… Eat MORE?!?  But you know what… I just don’t know what to do anymore, and did I mention that I’m miserable?  Yes.  Miserable.  This is permeating every aspect of my life.  My weight.

The nutritionist said that I’ve been on a diet my whole life.  (True.)  And that I have to get out of that mind set & just learn how to eat healthily.  I thought I did (know how to eat healthily… I mean I’m all about fruits, vegetables, whole grains, low fat…)  But I don’t eat enough of it.

J looks at me in a strange way I think:  ”He’s thinking how fat I am.”  I miss a phone call “I couldn’t get to the phone in time, too much weight on this body.”  Shoes don’t fit?  Feet exploded from massive weight gain.  Raining?  Trying to wash away my massive self.

I’m kidding.. but you know what?  Not really.  I’ve never had this experience before.  I’ve never been this overweight before.  I’m a good 30 lbs over what I’d like to be.  And I’m 5’2.  THIRTY POUNDS.

She gave me suggestions of activities to do.. since another aspect of this all is I’m so stressed to get everything I need to have done in the mornings and in the evenings (and yes, that includes vegging time in front of the computer!) that I lose track of doing “active” things.

She was like… “Whatever you do, however little.. just do it.  Play outside with your kids for even 15 minutes.”  So I”m going to try that.

And she also suggested cooking stuff all on one day.  Which I’ve heard before… but now makes more sense.  So I’m not eating store bought frozen crap — but my own, home made, frozen crap!!

So I’ve been in a bad place.  That plus I hatehatehatehatehatehate my job.  No holding back with that.  Hate it.  Wait.  Let me clarify.  I love what I do.  I hate where I’m doing it right now.  My supervisor has…. issues.  And she’s not very good at what she does.  Plus I’m in a small room with no windows, very little client contact…

Ever in a place where you hate the two biggest parts of your life:  work & what you look like?  Yeah.  It’s a struggle.

I realize I feel pretty teary pretty often & I’m short with the kids…and I realize also how important it *is* to have another parent.  Because you know, when one parent is teary, short, whatever.. there can be somebody else there to fix it.  Here it’s only me.  Been singing a lot of “Put on a Happy Face.”

I tell nyself that these are not unchangeable things….  I’ve been looking for jobs, I’m going to a nutritionist… It just takes so bloody long.  I want the magic pill.

And J?  Well, his mom is sick… so he’s in a bad place, too.  So we both need more support… and that’s a challenge.

Jeez.  The next blog post I do has to be happy.

Look!  A butterfly!  Outside!

Ahhhh….!  :)

Today I told him how much I need him – and how it’s difficult for me to ask – because I know he’s so crazed… and how I hate feeling so needy.  I think we’re coming to some sort of understanding.

Also got on a more even footing at work… I just got overwhelmed by the negativity of the place… but I pulled my head out & I think it’ll be ok.  (she said, hopefully.)

BUT – let’s not forget about dear ole’ X.  I finally resolved an old medical bill from YS.  It was from blood work done last October.  The bill was for $500.  It seems the insurance has a deductible of $500 – even for in network.    Then they cover 90% after.  Let me show you, for your reading pleasure, the email exchange that went on:

-=-=-=-=-=-

ME:  Hiya,  Got medical bill from nyu for YS’s  october blood test.  It seems that even though the lab was in network there is still a $500 in network deductible when you use a lab.

The bill came to $507.   So you owe me $304.  Let me know how you’d like to pay that back.

Thanks
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
———-

HIM AGAIN:

ME: I did check with them – and they are in network – but there is a deductible. I am sure that you realize that insurance companies are giving less & less… Would you rather he didn’t get the tests?

-=-=-=-

And now the kicker.  This email came right after.  From X:

I think I”ve mentioned — that I”m feeling more overwhelmed – with X not taking the kids at all during the week.  I mean, having that one day — I could schedule appointments, I could see J – I could even just be by myself…  But now I don’t have that any more.  And you would think – that one day wouldn’t make so much difference.  And actually – I DIDN’T think it would.  But it does.

I’m going for physical therapy & I either have to schedule appointments during the work day – or after work.

If I schedule for after work that means I either have to pay my sitter, or ask my parents or my sister.

My parents — well — they’re really helpful, but I oftentimes feel like asking them comes with a price.  I have to hear how messy my apartment is, or how my kids should have desks & if they had desks they would have perfect grades… (Did I mention how when I told my parents about the letter from YS’s teacher — saying he might be held back – that my Dad said:  “I knew I should have gotten him a desk!”   Because yes ,it IS all about him.  And when kids have desks they really use them. …)

And my sister — well, she works weird hours so she’s hard to get..

I felt, for a while, that I could depend on J.  But not so much any more.  He’s there for the BIG stuff, certainly… but for this… I don’t feel it.  And I think that upsets me more than anything.

He’s going through a lot now = his mom is sick, and his girls are moved out – so it’s difficult for him to go out too long after work… because of the dog.  And, as I’ve mentioned… he’s not so keen to ask them.

Plus – well – he doesn’t like to come out to me.  I’m in the boroughs… and it’s a trip.

And that hurts, too.

SO – now that I’m actually feeling MORE needy.  He’s here less.

So, I’ve been teary.  I’ve been frustrated.  AND – at work I got a letter from my supervisor, copying the director that there are “performance issues” that we need to discuss.

Well yeah – there are.  There’s nothing to do and she’s a horrible horrible manager.  Who whines all day, is overwhelmed and does not know how to delegate.  I’ve never had a supervisor like her before.  Not to mention the poor student… w ho is getting no supervision at all.  But I’m digressing.

So, I have that.  This work thing.  I have to really pull my head in & focus because I’m letting my personal feeling for this supervisor get in the way of my being productive.  I have that way.  I don’t respect somebody.. and … well… as I’ve mentioned I’m not too good with the poker face.  I mean, well – I’m not sticking my tongue out at her, or anything… but I know that I’m totally reacting in passive aggressive ways with her.  I’m making her ask me things directly, when I know it’s difficult for her.  I’m making her explain things — so that she has to be more direct – which I know is difficult for her.  AND I’m making her think about us, her staff, and our morale (which is shot) which I also know is difficult for her.

Man – talk about digressions.

But I’m overwhelmed.  Less free time.  A job I hate.  And a boyfriend who sees me far less frequently.

As I’ve mentioned – he’s away this weekend.  This work thing happened on Friday – I had a melt down & called him.  Then I panicked that they might fire me.  I mean, this place is that dysfunctional… so I really went off the deep end.  I think my anxieties are just fueling each other…  So I texted him yesterday, I called him. I’m needy plus one.

Today he said to me:  “I’m not taking any of my electronics out today.  It’s my last day of vacation.  I want to relax.  I know you’re going through something – but I need to relax.”

So tell me, dear readers… do you think I took that well?

Right.

I think something like:  “I just need to know you’re there.  If you were going through something I”d be there for you..” passed through my lips.

But I’m not doing him any good. I’m stressing him out.  Which stresses ME out, and makes me feel more alone… and this circle is like the seven circles of hell.

So, now my plan is not to contact him at all today (and yes, I’ll feel badly if I don’t hear from him.  Because I’m mature like that.) and to really really try to pull back this week.  He knows I want him to come over this week – to stay over – he knows it so I will NOT say anything.  And yes, I know this is a test.  Like “Double Secret Probation.”  But I can’t help it.  I don’t know how to be more mature about this – and how to handle it any differently.  I have told him very bluntly how I’m feeling overwhelmed, how I need him – and in the midst of his own overwhelmedness he’s not hearing me.

Gah, what’s a girl to do?

And I have to schedule two PT appointments – and I don’t know what to do.  If I schedule during work time – what does that do to/for the meeting we have to discuss “performance issues”?  Probably not the best time.

And if I schedule after work time… well – maybe I just need to suck it up and pay a sitter… what’s an extra $2-$30 between friends.